Why I stopped reading self-help books

and what actually worked to change my life.

Hi! I know this one is coming in a little late, but as I alluded to in April’s roundup, May has been an absolute mayhem of a month. I’ve been to Cali, Laredo, Chicago, Maryland, (always back to Dallas in between), and as I’m writing this we’re about to head to London for a family trip. So excited but so exhausted.

All this travel has definitely taken a toll and thrown me off my routines, which is why as May is Mental Health Awareness month, I really wanted to get this piece out. There’s so much to be said on mental health, and I wanted to share a little bit about my journey, and the things I feel truly help me get mentally centered and grounded. As I’m not feeling either centered or grounded at the moment, (as I’ve been so on the move), getting this out also has helped remind me of what’s important and what works.

For my anxious, high-achieving overthinkers, this one’s for you.

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At any given time in my 20s, I was reading one self-help book or another: You Are A Badass, The Defining Decade, The Alchemist, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Atomic Habits, The Four Agreements, plus everything by Brené Brown and Malcolm Gladwell.

I was in a never-ending quest to be better and do better, which I know is not necessarily a bad thing. But in hindsight, I realize how in many ways I was substituting reading these books with actually “doing the work” as they say.

At what point does the pursuit of “better” become a never ending loop of dissatisfaction - Myleik Teele

In the corner of my room, with my highlighter always at the ready, I felt these words were changing my life and mindset for long term impact.

But after almost a decade of reading these books, the help wasn’t helping. I was still in a constant state of overwhelm, anxiety, insecurity, doubt, fear, a people pleaser, scared of tough conversations, easily triggered and the list goes on.

The thing about these books is that, for me, I got a temporary high from the passive act of reading so many smart words from smart people. But, passively reading words on a page will not, and cannot equal change.

True change only comes from active, consistent, intentional, and repeated action.

So around 4/5 years ago I stopped reading self help books. It wasn’t an intentional decision, but one that came from taking a more intentional active approach to make and see changes in my life.

So what does active, consistent, intentional, repeated action look like?

For me it comes down to these four practices:

Practice 1: Therapy

I joke often that I’ve never met a person who doesn’t need therapy (but really though).

I’ve been to therapy consistently twice in my life: 2019-2020 and 2024-Present, with some sporadic sessions in between. And each time I’ve been consistent, I’ve found it much easier to deal with all the challenges, confusion, and chaos that comes with being a human in today’s world.

As someone who typically leans on emotion to make decisions, interpret situations, and analyze how to move forward, therapy has helped me learn how to consistently separate the facts from my feelings.

Going to therapy consistently, voicing my thoughts out loud to an objective listener, and mapping out clear solutions has changed my life immensely in ways passively reading a book telling me how great I am could never do. After each session I walk away with tangible insight, tools, and resources on how to overcome situations.

Some sessions I go in honestly not having anything “wrong” to talk about but I find those just as important. It also allows me to take a moment to just reflect on my week, day, or month and take a pulse check on the progress I am or am not making.

I cannot recommend therapy enough (in fact I do to pretty much everyone in my life). It’s active, it’s vocal, it’s consistent and allows you to hold a mirror up to yourself, highlighting your patterns and shows you where you need to make changes.

Highlighting a book was never going to do that for me. If you’re at a place where you feel like there is so much going on in your head, or you feel stuck, or like you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over, go to therapy.

If you’ve been thinking of going but are not sure where to start, most people I know have found their therapists through Psychology Today. Another great resource is Therapy for Black Girls.

Practice 2: Meditation

If you’d told me even 2 years ago that I would be someone who meditated I’d have thought you were joking. The whole concept of sitting silently with my thoughts as someone whose mind is constantly moving a mile a minute didn’t seem very on brand for me. However, last year I kept hearing more and more stories from people I find inspiring, share how meditating has changed their mindset or helped center them. So I decided to give it a shot and downloaded several guided meditation apps to get started.

Since last year, I’ve meditated nearly 300 times, in parking lots, public bathrooms, on walks, before events, totaling over 4,000 minutes. For me meditation truly helps recenter me quickly in the moment when I feel like my mind is spiraling and moving a mile a minute. It also allows me to take a minute to come back to myself, especially in a world with so much outside noise and opinions, those minutes of quiet remind me of what’s important and allows me to hear my own thoughts.

My personal favorite app is Superhuman as it has a meditation for pretty much every life scenario. But there are many others on the market like Calm, Headspace and more.

Practice 3: Journaling

I used to be someone who only opened a journal when things were going wrong; a breakup, work drama, lack of clarity etc. If I look back on some of my old journals I probably wrote in them once a month and always negatively lamenting on how everything was falling apart.

This year through doing the Artists Way, I started journaling 3 pages every morning and have found it to be life changing. For me, in many ways, it’s my moment with God as I find myself unintentionally writing as if I’m speaking to him. I write about the day before, my dreams, what I’m looking forward to that day or week, the things I’m worried about or simply, the things I’m grateful for.

Most mornings I start page 1 groggy and half asleep. By the time I hit the end of page 3 I’m happy, lighter, and ready to start my day. Getting all those thoughts, fears, ideas, hopes, dreams, out before I open my phone or interact with other people allows me to start each day on a new clean slate.

Before starting morning pages, I’d tried all the gratitude journals and prompt-based ones, but nothing stuck. For some reason this practice of 3 free hand pages which usually takes me about 40 minutes every morning is one that has worked immensely for me.

So if you’re someone who starts your day scrolling social media or checking work emails, which kicks off your day with stress and overwhelm I recommend taking an hour for yourself to get all your thoughts out.

Practice 4: Walking

And finally, just getting outside. This one is such a simple practice but has incredible impact. Whenever I’m having a bad day, overwhelmed by something, stressed out, the very simple act of putting on my sneakers and taking a walk outside, without fail, every single time puts me in a better mood. I don’t know all the science behind why this works so well but something about the action of moving your feet and having to pay attention to that motion gets you out of your head, into your body, and provides you with much-needed clarity.

It also doesn’t hurt that walking has been cited as one of the best forms of exercise and ways to stay in shape. This makes it the perfect habit stacking practice as you get both exercise and a mental health tool in at the same time.

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I’m sure there are many self help books people will quote as having changed their lives, or gotten them to alter a life habit or practice. But the act of reading a book alone, in my opinion, won’t get you to see true change.

I think they can be used as a supporting character but true change, like I said, requires some type of active action.

I don’t regret reading any of those books, but eventually, I had to put the book down and pick myself up.

I’m still a work in progress, in a place of becoming, but I have found that consistently implementing these practices has gotten me to a place where I’ve seen true change mentally in my life.

p.s. If you have read a self help book that you feel has truly changed your life, curious to hear which ones below. Drop them in the comments or hit reply and let me know.

Keep Klashing,

Bosola.