The no.1 skill you need to have better relationships
lessons on life and love from Love On The Spectrum (and Adele).
They say:
To be loved is to be seen.
To be loved is to be known.
But what does that even mean? How can we allow ourselves to be truly seen and known to have more love in our lives?
My answer: vulnerability; true, honest, consistent vulnerability.
In my opinion and from experience, to have true intimacy, meaningful and productive relationships (romantic, platonic, and even professional), vulnerability is the key to unlock true understanding.
Google defines vulnerability as:
“the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”
The drama lol, sounds scary right?
Research, podcaster, and academic Brené Brown has a more specific (and hopeful) take:
“The definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
But vulnerability is not weakness; it's our most accurate measure of courage.
When the barrier is our belief about vulnerability, the question becomes: 'Are we willing to show up and be seen when we can't control the outcome?'
When the barrier to vulnerability is about safety, the question becomes: 'Are we willing to create courageous spaces so we can be fully seen?”
-- Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone
In a world where the default has become for us to put our best selves, wins, and shiny exteriors on display, showing up with true vulnerability has only become more difficult. We’ve grown so used to wearing masks and curating perfection that sometimes we forget who we truly are underneath it all.
Moreover, in a time of too much information, where we’re constantly being hit with buzzwords and ideas like boundaries, attachment styles, narcissists, love bombing, allowing ourselves to be truly known and seen, feels like we’re walking straight into what Google warned us about: “the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”
But here’s the thing, we need vulnerability to be seen, known, and loved.
So what does that actually look like?
What Love on the Spectrum Taught Me About Vulnerability
This past week, I finally started watching the highly acclaimed Netflix show Love On The Spectrum (LOTS), which follows several single people on the autism spectrum as they navigate dating and relationships.
For years I’d heard about the show, but never really thought it was something I’d be interested in. But every year when a new season was released, it was always on the trending list, with people constantly posting on social media about it and how it made them cry. And I do love a good cry, so when I saw that they’d released a new season, I finally decided to hit play and see what all the hype was about. Before I knew it, I had finished all 3 seasons in three days, crying my eyes out at the S3 finale (iykyk).
In watching the show, I feel there is so much we can learn from the amazing cast on life, love, and the power of true vulnerability.
On Life.
One of the first things you learn about the cast of every season, is that many of them have what’s known as “special interests”; things they are deeply passionate about, sometimes to the point of obsession. These range from Disney princesses to lions, swords, medieval times, trains, and more. And from there pretty much every conversation they have, every interaction is underscored by how much they love their special interest.
In watching the episodes for every single person across all seasons, their love for their special interest is on full display without feelings of shame or humiliation. They are incredibly transparent and open about the thing that lights them up most in the world, which allows us as the audience from the very beginning to get to know and see them, thus connecting and falling more in love with them.
Abbey, one of my absolute favorites of all seasons, absolutely loves lions. This is clear from the very beginning and thus allows us and the producers to understand what’s most important to her. Based on this they then match her up with David who has a similar passion (obsession) for lions and a few of their first dates are to zoos where they can see lions. Throughout the show, you then see how David takes this knowledge to connect more deeply with her, and to show that he deeply sees and knows her.
The lesson here? Vulnerability means being honest and open about what lights you up. It draws the right people to you. Even if others don’t share your passion, your openness gives them a window into who you are and what matters to you, allowing them to show up for you in the ways you need.
On Love.
When it comes to dating, the cast of LOTS are refreshingly honest. No games. No pretending. They’re upfront about who they are and what they want, from the jump.
We’ve been taught to compromise and bend on things, but what I loved about their stories is how they’re all crystal clear on who they are and what matters to them, thus allowing them to make decisions in love much quicker and without any gimmicks, games, or gotcha! moments.
In many of the episodes many of the cast members are set up on blind dates or attend speed dating events in order to meet new people. In every situation, from the jump they are all incredibly honest, open, and vulnerable about who they are and what they’re looking for in the first 5-10 minutes. For many of us, understandably, this might feel like too much on a first date.
However, the quickness and speed at which they are able to weed out people and people are able to weed them out, is truly remarkable. This is because from the very beginning, they are upfront and honest about who they are, and what is important to them. Thus, by the end of every date they have incredible clarity on if someone is a match for them.
I LOL’d several times at the amount of no bullshit ways they let people know it was a hell no. And it’s always for very simple reasons that just don’t align with them; She’s not blonde (hilarious episode); he lives too far away; she doesn’t talk enough; he ignored me too much; he doesn’t have any of the same interests. There was no pain or heartburn of will they/won’t they because from the very beginning they were honest about what they’re looking for.
Their vulnerability in love cuts through the noise, the mess, and all the drama we’ve become accustomed to.
Personal Reflections
When it comes to life and love, vulnerability helps people truly see and know you, which makes it easier for them to connect… or not.
Even professionally, I’ve seen how vulnerability has improved my relationships and accelerated my growth. I know that can feel uncomfortable, especially since the workplace hasn’t always felt safe for authenticity and is usually a place filled with code-switching.
But I’ve found that sharing little things like what I’m reading, a podcast I’m loving, funny stories about my family, builds connection. And that connection? It builds trust. I’ve seen it ease tension during difficult moments, cause people to have my back when I’m not in the room, and even help tip the scales in my favor for promotions and raises.
To be clear, I’m not saying you need to cry at work or friend your coworkers on social. But opening up, just a little, can create space for others to do the same. And that creates stronger teams, better collaboration, and more human workplaces.
We live in a world that encourages us to show only the highlight reel. To smile and say “I’m fine.” But watching LOTS reminded me that vulnerability is a superpower. It’s how we build deeper, more meaningful, more intentional relationships.
Being honest about who you are and what you need doesn’t just protect your peace, it also attracts the people who see you, get you, and want to know you.
Vulnerability can feel uncomfortable but when you lean into it, it becomes a form of currency.
P.s. If you haven’t yet, go watch Love On The Spectrum on Netflix. Amazing, amazing show.
A Word (and song) Before You Go
I want to end with another quote from Brené Brown on her experience with, and the life-altering importance of vulnerability:
"I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad.
My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty:
Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few.
Learning how to be vulnerable has been a street fight for me,
but it’s been worth it."
-- Brené Brown, quoted by Dan Schawbel in his Forbes 2013 article, Brené Brown: How Vulnerability Can Make Our Lives Better.
Also as I was writing this piece, Adele’s song To Be Loved randomly popped up on my YouTube feed. This felt like such a crazy coincidence (although these days nothing feels like a coincidence anymore), because I had just written the first half of this piece starting with those words: To Be Loved.
When her album 30 first came out, I remember how she broke the internet with this clip of her singing the song live for the first time completely raw, unedited and unfiltered.
Fun fact: she’s never performed the song live again due to the level of difficulty and emotional weight of the song.
Sharing the song below as it aligns with our theme here:
To be loved and love at the highest count
Means to lose all the things I can't live without
Let it be known that I will choose to lose
It's a sacrifice but I can't live a lie
Let it be known, let it be known that I tried.
Keep Klashing (openly and vulnerably),
Bosola.
cover art by Cornelius Annor Jr.